This past weekend was a bit harder than others.. this Saturday happened to be the 26th of June.. since that day never again will the 26th of a month be the same, a Monday will never be just a Monday, every morning i stare at the clock and take a deep breath once 9:25 am passes and the waiting game continues until the next day...
I was told time will help u heal.. and time will make it all better.. time.. time.. time.. but why is it that as time passes by and as TIME is becoming to be months its not getting any better.. in the contrary its just been longer that i have gone without a kiss, a hug, a mommy... its as if time is just marking the lenght of time that i have not felt his love, or heard his contagious laughter..
Now i wonder were is this healing time... i don't put my emotions out there because if there is one thing Xavier taught us was to be strong and deal with the situation no matter what it was, but he was the one that gave me the strenght.. i have noticed that I'm not the same person since his passing.. i used to be happy inside and out and now I'm just happy from the outside.. u might see me smiling and maybe having a good time but only my pillow and God know the restless nights or rivers of tears ..
Even in the hardest situations Xavier never saw sadness or worriness in my face i always had control of the situation.. Even though our life was never certain i always stood tall as if i had the world on the palm of my hand.. but now I'm not insecure i know that God has a plan for us and that everything happens for a reason.. i just feel as if my heart is missing.. as if i will never be able to feel what i felt with Xavier.. as if i will never be able to be completely happy.
One thing i do know is that my tears and pain is not anger or doubts about God because my faith has grown so much and i know that God is all powerful and everything he does is perfect.. my tears are from missing him so much.. 4 years of my life revolved around him every second of my life was scheduled for him and because of him.. Doctors visits, hospital stays, medicines, procedures, studies, and emergencies.. this was the life i knew and learned to adapt to pretty easily i would say.. but why is it soo much harder now to adapt my life to "being normal"......
